Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Sadness of Triplets Turning Three

Today is the eve of my triplets' first birthday.  My heard feels like there is black coal weighing it down.  I am happy and know that I'm lucky to have triplets in the first place.  But where are my babies?

On the eve of the triplets' birth, I stared up at the ceiling or across the room at the door and my mind whirled with fret.  The triplets that I bawled over for weeks and weeks, believing that I wouldn't birth living babies, were going to be born within twenty hours.  Tears of happiness, excitement and anxiousness gathered in the corner of my eyes.  Disbelief clouded my brain.  It couldn't' be.  My mind couldn't accept that Anna, Liam and Owen were actually going to be outside of my belly.  How the heck was I going to manage preemie triplets and a twenty month old? I thought as the reality of them began to seep through my fogginess of my head.

(Liam, Anna & Owen ~ 2 months old)

A positive pregnancy test greeted me on the eve of the triplets' first birthday.  A positive test that I dreamt of having since the triplets were milliseconds old.  A positive test whose reality initially scared the daylights out of me when I realized that I would have one 3 1/2 year old, three 19 month olds and a newborn.  A positive test that, with the passage of minutes, filled me with excited at the thrill of seeing a new creation of my husband's and my love and another child to add more happiness and excitement to our family.  (A few weeks later, I miscarried, but I carry that child in my heart and always think of him on the eve of the triplets' birthday.)

(Owen, Anna, Gavin, & Liam)

The triplets' second birthday came and went without much fan fare, as did their birthday eve.  I thought about the baby I lost the previous year as well as the other babies I've lost.  We had a little family birthday and went out to dinner.  It was a quiet day.

(Gavin, Owen, Anna & Liam)

So here we are today, May 29th, 2012.  My heart floated a little higher while looking at pictures of the kids throughout the years.  However, its fluttering has stopped and the coal has seemed to multiplied sending my heart into the pit of my stomach.  My babies are gone.  I have two big personality boys who believe that they can do everything themselves and a little fashionista who is determine and then does do everything herself.  Dare I, a tomboy, try to dress her.  She'll just take off the comfy shorts and pull a dress over her head.  Tell her that she can't swim to the other side of the pool, she will (with floaties on).

Yes, a smile comes to my face when I see my children learn and grow, accomplish things that they couldn't do the day before.  But where are my babies?  I think it was the Reverend Mother in "The Sound of Music"  who said, "When the lord closes one door, he often opens another."  I just LOVE "The Sound of Music."  So with lead in my shoes and my heart on the floor, I am saying good-bye to my babies and hello to the wonderful girl and boys that have become.

(Liam, Owen, Gavin & Anna)

Happy 3rd Birthday!

I'd love to know how you felt on the eve of your children's birthday.

Here's a link to the blog post, The Loneliness of Having Triplets
Here's a link to the blog post, Time to See a Fertility Specialist

Here are links to chapter one of my book:

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